jumping on the hate train

Hey Laoda! What’s up? Sorry for random night msg.

I think I just crossed over a stage in this 2 months no contact thing with A, it’s been about a month and a week I realized so many things that were just plain not right in the relationship. In hindsight, I can see clearly so many things I wasn’t willing to put up with, how he displayed so many redflaggy behaviours and i ignored them all at the expense of a false hope of a false future. I don’t know what happened to my zen self, it’s hard to be calm when you are hit in the face with reality of your own realization. My own realization of how much he didn’t deserve me and how much I didn’t love him but just stayed out of complacency and false hope. I was thinking of contacting the jerk after 2 months but not anymore. He ain’t worth even a fraction of a second.

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some random self talk

It’s heart-breaking when the person who you thought loved you, didn’t.
But it’s infinitely more heart-breaking, when you realize YOU didn’t love that person.

Throughout the relationship, I had red-flags popping everywhere, I knew he wasn’t the one. I knew I didn’t love him. I knew it was wrong. But I kept it, because of what? Because I could be validated?
I will admit, I was happy for maybe one year, the second year and a half into the relationship, I can say I was happy.
I stopped being happy in the third year, but I didn’t do anything about it. The little voice telling me to break up got louder and louder, but I kept my faith.

Every once in a while, it’s good to lose faith in someone.

I honestly, cannot say for sure that in the future I will do better, that I will not let down my own standards, that I will always listen to the right voice, but here is something I know for sure:
Nobody can protect us from this world. No faith, belief, religion, love, spirituality, or anything can protect us.

We are really alone here, but we are NOT. Because we are all experiencing this aloneness. In that sense, I feel really content, really joyful. Like I’m part of a big family.

aha

Hey Laoda,

I was watching a lot of Sex and the City lately, the show made me think that maybe, A was my Mr. Big. That guy who you obsess over and is totally addicted even though he’s bad for you.

But the more I think about it, the more I realized, he’s not even my Mr. Big. I’m almost positive that there will be a guy like Mr. Big in my future. Sure, A was exciting and unpredictable at times, mostly in our first year together, then it just got routine. I didn’t care about anything he liked, he didn’t bring me to life, he was not exciting, he was bald, he was tired all the time, he didn’t make me have butterflies in my stomach in our third year together, he was just a guy I settled with and was too comfortable to leave.

Lao Da

Hey Lao Da,
I saw this prompt about imaginary friends, and I wanna know, are you my imaginary friend?

Hey Michelle. That’s a good question. Do you think I’m your imaginary friend? 

I don’t know. I don’t really know what it means to be “imaginary”. You certainly are real to me… and you certainly are my friend.
But, I don’t know what you look like, I’ve never seen you, I don’t know what your voice sounds like, what your hobbies are… I don’t know anything about you actually, other than that you always listen to me and give me advice.
What are you actually like? Do you like fishing? Do you drink beer? What are your hobbies?

What do you think?

Well, I’ve always pictured you to be this really tall big guy, a little meaty, with a beard, and maybe, sometimes you’d wear a baseball cap and sunglasses.

Sort of like this picture.

Hahaha, that looks like some shady creep! Why am I so hairy? Why am I wearing sunglasses for no reason?

I dunno, you’re just mysterious like that, you probably don’t wanna show your eyes to just anyone.

You also probably like to drink cheap Tim Horton’s coffee, and you like beer and fishing in moderation.

Okay, that’s fine by me. I actually quite enjoy all of these things you mentioned.
Out of topic but, how’d you do today, regarding the boy trouble?

Not good. I ruminated about it all day. I hardly slept last night. Tried a breathing exercise where you just breath in and out and focus on your inner body like Eckhart Tolle suggested in the book The Power of Now. But instead of feeling at peace or falling asleep like calm sensible being, I just felt like I was really good at ruminating and breathing at the same time.
Too tired to deal with situation now, going to sleep for a bit. Will talk when I wake up!

Lao Da

Big crushes and sudden messages

Hey Lao Da,
I’m sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo pissed. You have no idea.

Hey Michelle,
What happened?

Every fibre of my being feels like it wants to kick something. A just messaged and me said he had developed a crush on some girl, it’s apparently a BIG crush. I had no clue this was even coming. I’m….. I can’t even put how I feel into words. You know how sometimes when you’re very nervous, stressed, or anxious, your limbs go numb?  I feel like all the blood had got up and left my arms and legs.

Wow!! I did not expect this. HIM? A? Always thinking of you first A? Thought about marrying you A? The guy you’ve been with for 3 years A? You’re living together with him A?

Yeah… that A.
The worst part is, he developed this crush while we are living together, and he did not tell me about it until it got big. I feel betrayed. I’m sorry Lao Da, I don’t wanna be rude but UGGGGHHHH THAT LYING BITCH!

Okay.. so he lied.

Well, I don’t know if he lied or not. I do know that he let that crush of his blow up without telling me, while we are living together. Now, everything makes sense. I knew something wasn’t right! I should’ve listened to my instinct ever since the beginning. I should never even bothered dating him!

Michelle, now you’re going a bit off course. You’re emotional right now. Let’s not think about the past or question yourself. Let me just lay out the actual things that happened:
– he told you through an online message, that he has a crush on another woman, while you’re out of the country
– you feel betrayed because you didn’t expect this

…. yeah. Thanks for laying out the obvious.

Let me just tell you, you have no control over what he does. But you absolutely do have control over what you do yourself. If you lash out at him, you’ll hurt yourself.

I get how much you just wanna tear his face in two, how much you want him to eat poop and dirt and suck all the cockroaches from the toilet, you just want him to feel pain, but you will cause YOURSELF just that much pain, the exact amount you do upon him. I guarantee it. Do not let your ego trick you. All this pain is because your ego is hurting and tricking you into identifying with it. Don’t fall into the trap.

I know Lao Da, I know… I keep telling myself the same thing. But I just don’t want to feel this pain. Why can’t life just be peachy and happy? Why is it so damn hard? Why is the ego so powerful? Why did this happen?

The ego is only powerful because you kept feeding it. I don’t know why life isn’t always peachy. If I had my way, you’d be seeing rainbows and smiles and unicorns everywhere you go, trust me. I don’t know why this happened. I do know though, if you don’t allow yourself to be a victim., if you don’t allow yourself to make your situation into an enemy, you ego can’t do anything. This is a phase life has handed you, something you must experience. You can’t escape from it.

Wouldn’t it be nice if I can just have endless fantasies about DC? If only he could just fall in love with me at a time like this…

Okay homie, even you know you be shittin’ now. DC is a professor you had 3 years ago, he is not even remotely a potential on any dimension, and dude, there’s a very fatal flaw to that logic. You know better than to get yourself into another terrible situation by escaping to be with the next guy.

Damn homie.. you laying it out. I used to be able to just imagine me chatting it up with DC over bad coffee and I’d feel better about my current situation. Now I can’t even do that. What do I do to get away from pain?

Michelle, I said it before and I’ll keep saying it. You can’t.
However, in my personal opinion, there is absolutely no reason for you to feel it.

No reason for me to feel pain?

Yeah, exactly. You feel pain because you feel like someone did you wrong. I know it looks like on the surface he did do you wrong, but in reality, only a neutral occurrence had happened. Your boyfriend did not will it to happen. He didn’t will himself to like that woman. That woman didn’t will him to like her. No-one did anything. It happened because it happened. No-one had anything against you to cause you this. So it would do you good to accept it as it is.

Okay big bro, I know you’re trying to make me feel better… but honestly that’s a little too deep. I feel like I get what you said on the concept level but I’m not really getting it.

Take all the time you need, and just accept what A said to you. Do not fantasize about the details, what they did, who she is, etc, you don’t need to know everything.
It just makes you suffer more, suffering doesn’t make you more special, it doesn’t make you creative, it doesn’t even help you write better. Millions and millions of girls experience this. Some worse, a lot worse. You ain’t the only one.

I know you don’t deserve this, nobody does. But this is life.
You are loved, but you’re not above the law, you’re not above life. Just deal with the situation you’ve got.

Okay… but how do I make a decision? Should I just break up with him?

You don’t need to make a decision.
Relax. Drink your latte. Go home. Sleep. Take care of yourself.
I’m here whenever you need me.

A little secret

Hey Lao Da,
I’ve got a really totally and completely embarrassing secret to tell you.

Okay, go ahead. I’m listening.

Well,  I totally completely just went to my university so I could stalk DC*.

Michelle, you don’t need to say the word “totally”, and “completely” every sentence. And I’m not too surprised. it sounds like something you’d do.

WHAT? Really?? I totally…. I mean, anyways, I thought it’d shock you just a little bit, cause this shows that even after graduating from uni for three years, I’m still the same person. I thought I’d grown a little bit, like I’d be mature enough not to do these kind of things.

You didn’t surprise me with the stalking, but I have to say I was a little thrown off by that other thing you did.

What would that be?

You sat in the student centre, and looked at girls as they walked by, tallied how many were “skinny” and how many were of “healthy weight range”,  you also looked at their asses and tallied how many were “small”, “medium”, and “big-ass”.
WHY?

Oh, that? I was just curious. It’s something I’ve always wanted to do while I was a student, but never got around to it.

What would you achieve by doing this?

Um, I’m sure it’s got pretty profound usages. It’s to see what the average-weight college woman really looks like. ‘Cause you know, you hear people say the average woman is 140 pounds and 5’ 4″ tall, but that’s definitely NOT the case among young people. I just suspect that people don’t feel fat only because they saw some skinny chick on magazines. I bet half of the girls walking around campus are actually underweight.

Okay, now, I see what you mean…. What do ya know, there may be some intelligence behind this.

Heyyy, what you saying dude? I’m totally intelligent.

I’m not saying you’re not intelligent. I was just contemplating. What you do can come across nonsensical  and a tiny bit assholey. You were looking at girls’ butts and assigning size and weight categories. Also, the size-judging is very biased.

Oh.

That being said, are you gonna be doing some kind of research based on this?

Nope.

Then why the hell did you do it??

It’s an exercise of my curiosity. Einstein had always encouraged this kind of behaviour. If he were alive, I’m pretty sure he’d applaud me.

Einstein is not alive, and you have no relations with him. Even if he was alive, he wouldn’t be mixed with you or your social circle. That’s beside the point, are you saying you’re doing this big-ass small-ass tally just so you can have Einstein give you a high five in your imagination?

Um…..yeah, why not?

Ugh. I have no words. Anyway, did you spot DC?

Nope. But I might have.

What do you mean? You’re making less and less sense as the day goes on.

I mean, I saw this tall, lanky guy with long hair and glasses, wearing a heather-grey sweatshirt/sweater come out of Uni Hall. I only caught a glimpse because I was walking in the opposite direction, suddenly turning around would look too suspicious. So I instead fixated on a squirrel, who by the way ate a lot of leafs.
Actually, it was all very quick, I’m not sure if he was wearing glasses or had long hair, that might’ve been figments of hopeful imagination. Comes to think of it… it may not have been a guy either.

Um…. you mean, you came all the way to visit the university, just to stalk DC, and all you saw was a heather-grey blur?

Well, yeah, if you put it that way.

Michelle, I thought three years of experience abroad in Japan would have made you grow up. I was wrong, so wrong.

*DC – Acronym for a professor who Michelle and her friends stalked on occasions when she was in university.