Big crushes and sudden messages

Hey Lao Da,
I’m sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo pissed. You have no idea.

Hey Michelle,
What happened?

Every fibre of my being feels like it wants to kick something. A just messaged and me said he had developed a crush on some girl, it’s apparently a BIG crush. I had no clue this was even coming. I’m….. I can’t even put how I feel into words. You know how sometimes when you’re very nervous, stressed, or anxious, your limbs go numb?  I feel like all the blood had got up and left my arms and legs.

Wow!! I did not expect this. HIM? A? Always thinking of you first A? Thought about marrying you A? The guy you’ve been with for 3 years A? You’re living together with him A?

Yeah… that A.
The worst part is, he developed this crush while we are living together, and he did not tell me about it until it got big. I feel betrayed. I’m sorry Lao Da, I don’t wanna be rude but UGGGGHHHH THAT LYING BITCH!

Okay.. so he lied.

Well, I don’t know if he lied or not. I do know that he let that crush of his blow up without telling me, while we are living together. Now, everything makes sense. I knew something wasn’t right! I should’ve listened to my instinct ever since the beginning. I should never even bothered dating him!

Michelle, now you’re going a bit off course. You’re emotional right now. Let’s not think about the past or question yourself. Let me just lay out the actual things that happened:
– he told you through an online message, that he has a crush on another woman, while you’re out of the country
– you feel betrayed because you didn’t expect this

…. yeah. Thanks for laying out the obvious.

Let me just tell you, you have no control over what he does. But you absolutely do have control over what you do yourself. If you lash out at him, you’ll hurt yourself.

I get how much you just wanna tear his face in two, how much you want him to eat poop and dirt and suck all the cockroaches from the toilet, you just want him to feel pain, but you will cause YOURSELF just that much pain, the exact amount you do upon him. I guarantee it. Do not let your ego trick you. All this pain is because your ego is hurting and tricking you into identifying with it. Don’t fall into the trap.

I know Lao Da, I know… I keep telling myself the same thing. But I just don’t want to feel this pain. Why can’t life just be peachy and happy? Why is it so damn hard? Why is the ego so powerful? Why did this happen?

The ego is only powerful because you kept feeding it. I don’t know why life isn’t always peachy. If I had my way, you’d be seeing rainbows and smiles and unicorns everywhere you go, trust me. I don’t know why this happened. I do know though, if you don’t allow yourself to be a victim., if you don’t allow yourself to make your situation into an enemy, you ego can’t do anything. This is a phase life has handed you, something you must experience. You can’t escape from it.

Wouldn’t it be nice if I can just have endless fantasies about DC? If only he could just fall in love with me at a time like this…

Okay homie, even you know you be shittin’ now. DC is a professor you had 3 years ago, he is not even remotely a potential on any dimension, and dude, there’s a very fatal flaw to that logic. You know better than to get yourself into another terrible situation by escaping to be with the next guy.

Damn homie.. you laying it out. I used to be able to just imagine me chatting it up with DC over bad coffee and I’d feel better about my current situation. Now I can’t even do that. What do I do to get away from pain?

Michelle, I said it before and I’ll keep saying it. You can’t.
However, in my personal opinion, there is absolutely no reason for you to feel it.

No reason for me to feel pain?

Yeah, exactly. You feel pain because you feel like someone did you wrong. I know it looks like on the surface he did do you wrong, but in reality, only a neutral occurrence had happened. Your boyfriend did not will it to happen. He didn’t will himself to like that woman. That woman didn’t will him to like her. No-one did anything. It happened because it happened. No-one had anything against you to cause you this. So it would do you good to accept it as it is.

Okay big bro, I know you’re trying to make me feel better… but honestly that’s a little too deep. I feel like I get what you said on the concept level but I’m not really getting it.

Take all the time you need, and just accept what A said to you. Do not fantasize about the details, what they did, who she is, etc, you don’t need to know everything.
It just makes you suffer more, suffering doesn’t make you more special, it doesn’t make you creative, it doesn’t even help you write better. Millions and millions of girls experience this. Some worse, a lot worse. You ain’t the only one.

I know you don’t deserve this, nobody does. But this is life.
You are loved, but you’re not above the law, you’re not above life. Just deal with the situation you’ve got.

Okay… but how do I make a decision? Should I just break up with him?

You don’t need to make a decision.
Relax. Drink your latte. Go home. Sleep. Take care of yourself.
I’m here whenever you need me.

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